The Beat of My Drum
The Beat of My Drum
"From Bar Owner to Carmelite Nun" with Hailey Hughes
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This episode reflects on the time Hailey spent as a Carmelite nun for 3 years.
The beat of my drum entertainment.
SPEAKER_04Hey, hey, this is Jay Mendez, and you are listening to the Beat of My Drum. Today's podcast is with a special guest, Miss Haley Hughes from Lytle, Texas. I am bringing back the podcast in a fashion that I hope my listeners from before would understand that probably not going to do as much music as before. But I did want to do a lot of cool stories, a lot of uh I wanted to hear cool experiences, and I wanted to share those with my listeners on the beat of my drums. So uh I did bring on Miss Haley Hughes from Lytle, Texas, uh, because she recently returned back uh from an incredible experience uh and a story to tell. I'm I'm actually don't know if it was incredible or not. We'll hear from her uh here shortly. But um here's Miss Haley Hughes. Uh Haley, how are you doing?
SPEAKER_00I'm doing great. Thank you. Thank you for thank you for inviting me.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah. So as we're talking here, we're we're having a Friesen.
SPEAKER_00Frizencounter Weisenbeer.
SPEAKER_04Fries and Weisenbeer from Munich. Um, so she was generous enough to bring um some some brew over. Imports. Yeah, some imports.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's a cute little fat monk on it drinking a beer. Yeah. The main reason I bought it was the advertising that got me. I was in a rush when I was at Specs.
SPEAKER_04Isn't that with everything though? The advertisement.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, honestly.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, so so yeah, so we bring Haley. Um my history with Haley is I used to manage a country band uh in the local area, and Haley was one of the few that would call us back, um, probably just to fill the the calendar, right? Not to because she thought we were good. Oh my goodness. Um but but uh yeah, shout out to the to the brothers. But but no, I think that the genuine care was there from the beginning from Haley. Uh the genuine like experience with just conversating with her, her and her dad were so kind uh to us from the beginning. And I think for the most part, Haley's skills are just God-given as far as the ability to carry a conversation with anyone in the room, and that that's what I gravitated towards, and that's what we all gravitated towards Haley. And um, from the beginning, like we kind of just knew that there was something different about you in a special way, and and that was like you being able to be in a bar full of like crazy people and drunks and musicians, and just kind of like get along with everybody, and just and everybody gravitated towards you, and everybody wanted to be your friend, and and it just was cool to see. So, um after a couple years of knowing Haley, this is back in 2020, Haley uh decided to uh start a journey to become a nun.
SPEAKER_01A carmelite, a traditional carmelite nun.
SPEAKER_04A traditional carmelite nun.
SPEAKER_01If that means anything to anybody, it's yeah. So there's like different types of nuns, right? There's like the there's like the teaching nuns and then the missionary nuns, the ones that go out into like Africa, whatnot, or wherever. And then there's um there's like for example, the Benedictins, they have their or at Labora, which is Latin for um work and pray. And then um, but you have Carmelites, which their I guess charism mostly is very intense prayer and sacrifice for the salvation of souls. And so you are locked up in a sense. I mean you can I can technically I could leave whenever I wanted, but I would stay behind the walls of this Carmelite monastery. Um ideally, uh the idea was for the rest of my life, you know. So I entered with the intention of staying there till I died. Um never never going out, unless maybe like I mean, sometimes if if your life is on the line or something, you have serious medical issues, and maybe you could you if you wanted help, you can you could, you know, every mother would m most definitely say, okay, let's go to the hospital. But other than that, um yeah, the idea is you you basically die to the world um in a very physical sense of like leaving it, leaving everybody, leaving everything, and giving everything, giving your life completely to God in this way and sacrificing for for souls. So yeah, that's what that's what I what I did.
SPEAKER_04I mean, you already got me kind of like thinking, thinking deeply about this, you know, and all the details you're given about your experience. Um the last time I s I saw you, you said three and a half years ago, we said a prayer on the stage. Yeah, yeah, it was absolutely that's probably the first time like we've ever had like a deep prayer like that. Um which was different for me, but at the bar, yeah at the bar, yeah. And you were super serious, like you just not serious, you just were like set on what you were gonna do. And uh I said, Oh, okay, well, you know, I don't like goodbyes, but if you're if you're gonna do this for your yourself for a couple years, then I can handle that. And you said that no, you were gone, gone. And I asked you, like, are you sure about this? You had like your your cowgirl hat on.
SPEAKER_01I had I think I remember this. I I remember what I was wearing to it was uh head cap, wasn't it? Yeah, it was the it was the Pegasus, it was the uh what's it called? Mobile mobile gas. Yeah, mobile mobile gas, okay. Got it. It was a vintage hat. I still have it actually. But you're super vintage. Yeah, anyways.
SPEAKER_04Your style's vintage. I don't know if I mean not anymore. Well, no, that that's that's kind of drippy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'm wearing like gold jewelry right now. I I never wore gold before, but no, it's super drippy.
SPEAKER_04You got going on.
SPEAKER_01I got rid of all my tie-dye stuff, and yeah, I'm like, I'm a little older now.
SPEAKER_04I think that's probably what it was, but still you were a hipster, but not really trying to be, you just you know, we're dressed like a hipster, but um, but uh, but like I think um I was concerned, right? I did all my research that I could on this subject of being a nun, and we my whole family we kind of freaked out, and my friends were like, Man, she's really going. And and us, you know, in in the world today, not having control of something freaks us out. Like, we have to have control of our of where our kids are, where our wives are, where are where um where am I like everything is full control. It's crazy. You were you were just going out and and going with what you believe in. So um I guess what what is what do you believe in, or what did you believe in, as far as like what why, what is the why behind this?
SPEAKER_01Uh-huh. Um God. Um, I mean, I I was very convicted and still am that that that was exactly what God wanted me to do. Um and um I see now at the time, and still, I mean, some things still don't make sense, and that's just how it, that's just how God does things. I mean, we don't we're not always gonna know, you know, why. Um, and some things we're not gonna ever know why until we get to heaven and we can see the big picture. But um but I was extremely, extremely convicted that this is what God wanted me to do. Um and it took, I mean, it took a long time to get there because I think he was calling me to that for a while. And actually I know he was, and I was fighting it for a long time. Um, but I mean basically it's like God when you talk to God, it's like talking to a friend. So the more you talk to somebody, the more they're gonna tell you intimate things, the more they're gonna tell you personal things and deep things. So it's like the more you pray, the more you spend time in silence, which is God's first language. Like you you could hear his voice a lot better. So after a long time of having serious mental prayer and practicing good practices of prayer, I guess, I I um could hear God's voice a lot clearer. And um I just I very much knew that he was calling me to be a Carmelite nun. And um, I fought it for a long time. And even when I found it, when I when it was very, very clear that that's what he wanted, I was like, okay, God, I will tell you yes to being a nun, but I'm gonna show you that I am not fit to be a Carmelite nun because the cloister, the cloister, cloister means like you you go in, you never come out. Yeah, and I was like, that is not for me whatsoever. Um so I'm gonna can I'm gonna show you that this is not what for me. And um he ended up convincing me, and then there I was for the past three and a half years.
SPEAKER_04So your first few weeks there, um, and where is it by the way?
SPEAKER_01Uh Fairfield, Pennsylvania. Fairfield, Pennsylvania. Yeah, which is like lower central. It's it's really close to Gettysburg.
SPEAKER_04Okay, okay. And your first few days, like what's take us through your your first day there.
SPEAKER_01My first day. Oh man, haven't thought about this in a long time. So let's see. I got there, my parents dropped me off. Um, I remember it was it was crazy because I was like, this I had been waiting for this moment for like at least two years. I was at least two years. I was waiting to get there. And it just took a long time for them to. So this carmal is like, um, I don't know, people think that the church is kind of, I don't know, dead when it comes to vocations, like because we're starving for priests and nuns and all this, but actually the traditional, the traditional orders are booming. Um, and this was a very, very traditional order. This was probably like one of the most traditional orders in the in the world. Um, so this Carmel specifically had over a hundred over a hundred applicants a year. Um, and so I was one of the first to get accepted in this new kind of group that they had coming in, and it was kind of a big deal. Um, but it took a long time, and they're building the monastery. Uh so there's just like a lot going on. That's why it took a long time. But um, and I think it also took a long time because God needed to form me to to enter, because I think if I had entered when I first had that, this is what I need to do, I would not have lasted a week.
SPEAKER_06Right.
SPEAKER_01Because I mean it was hard. I mean, hard. The formation was so purgative. It was like, I mean, it was it was hard. Um, so yeah, but explain how was it hard?
SPEAKER_04I mean, how was it?
SPEAKER_01Um I think it definitely it's not hard for everybody, but it was hard for me because I was so attached to the world. I had so many layers of sin and worldliness and and just um attachments. Um, and so it was like all of this stuff had to be purged off of me. Um and and I guess that I mean that's how it is for everybody's spiritual life, is like once you start on a track to holiness in a sense, of like doing God's will, um it's hard, you know, because there's a lot like God is pruning you of all the things, and that's you dying to yourself, you losing parts of what you think you are to become who you actually are. Um and so yeah, it I mean, the obedience thing is really hard. So you take vows of um, you don't take the vows right off the bat, but you're working to make your vows, um, which is like kind of equivalent to marriage of like of how the traditional stance on marriage is is like you are you're in it for the long, you're in it for good, you know, once you make these vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, um, in the order that you're going to. And so um the obedience was so difficult. And it's funny because I was that was I was most excited for the obedience because I was just never, I was never used to for people to for people telling me what to do. And I desired that. Like I've always just kind of been my own boss and things, and then like different jobs I've had, it's like my bosses would come to me and say, What do you need me to do? Like, what needs in you and so I don't know, and my parents get mad when I say this too. Like, no, nobody ever told me what to do. But honestly, like I was just I always had a lot of freedom, but I desired for just somebody tell me what to do, anyways. People were telling me what to do, and I did not like it at all. I mean, that was male or female?
SPEAKER_06Female, female, female, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I mean, all like my superiors, so they're all nuns, you know. Um, and then it's especially hard because everybody, I think, at least for myself, everybody is so young. Um, like, mother is 42. So my superiors are two years older than me. And so for having, you know, somebody that's almost your age say, This is what you're gonna do, this is what you're gonna do, this is what you're gonna do, and you do it. It's just it's um it's hard. It's hard to accept when you're not used to being obedient, you know, or just or when you're used to doing whatever you want.
SPEAKER_04Um being obedient, uh, did you have to fast for a long time?
SPEAKER_01Um, yeah, well, we did. We so this would kind of go into the poverty and the kind of suffering part of things is like we are willingly giving ourselves over to suffer for souls. So, like the way that Catholics see suffering is suffering's actually a really, really good, beautiful thing, and it's really like the greatest currency that there is.
SPEAKER_06Correct.
SPEAKER_01And so, um I went there with the idea of like I'm gonna go and I'm gonna suffer for souls. Um, and it sounds great and sounds fun, and it sounds like I'm ready to die, sort of deal, like I'm ready to do this, you know. But then when you're actually doing it and the it's those little things, it's like when you kind of unite yourself to Jesus on the cross, it's sometimes it's just those, it's those splinters that just really, really get at you, you know. And so um, yeah, it was it was definitely a lot of the the little things. So basically it's kind of like our whole entire lives are based, we're laced in obedience, and that's what made it so meritorious. What made it so um worth worth worth of the worth that it was was just it was a lot because even I mean um Does that mean you're married to God? Yeah, so that would be that would come with like the the that yeah, I mean that's the whole kind of idea of of religious and like nuns and stuff, nuns and and monks and all that, um is so in heaven everybody's married to God, you know. But in by doing going and entering into this on the earth, it's like you skip, you kind of skip the earthly part of marriage and you just go straight to being married to God on God on the earth. Um But there's like um different means of acquiring these sufferings and obediences and things that I guess are given to you by your superiors. Um and the superior I mean my superiors were the absolute most I'm not I'm not even exaggerating when I say that mother was a saint. I mean she is she is she is just the most amazing person that I've ever met in my life, honestly. Um crazy, crazy, just crazy. I mean in what way um it's like I don't know, I want to use the word wild, but it's like it's like once you enter into this sort of um spiritual realm, like if you take anything that we're doing and don't have eternity in mind and heaven in mind, everything we're doing is stupid. It would make absolutely no sense. But if you have the lens on of like we're doing this for heaven and we're doing this for eternity, then it all makes perfect sense. Um and that's mother's vision 24-7. Um and there's just this like freedom and attachment that comes along with it to where like if God's calling her to do something, she's gonna do it. And she, I mean, like, she is our Lord's ultimate like ride or die, you know, and that's what our whole goal is, what's all of our goals is, but um, and she's just so conformed to God's will. And um, this is for so many of the sisters. I mean, it's just like they are willing, we were all willing um to, you know, sacrifice everything for him. I mean, uh all of us wanted to be martyrs, like we would we would think about it, we would we would talk about it at recreation all the time about how bad we just we wish that we could literally give our blood for him, um, because we were just so in it.
SPEAKER_04Um What was Jesus uh what was his what were his thoughts on martyrs though? I mean, isn't he the one that sacrificed for us?
SPEAKER_01It's just I guess it was it just something of a desire you have when you're well yeah, okay, so martyrs martyrs are people who have died for the faith. Okay. So like um actually now we have we have way more martyrs in the world currently in in you know in the Middle East and all these other countries that uh than we actually ever have had in the world. So like when you look at when you look at yes, yes, Christian Christian martyrs, yes. Actually Catholic martyrs, but Christian, Christian Roman Catholic. Um not technically so yeah, so because Roman, so there's different um there's different rites of the Catholic faith. So you have the Roman Rite and then you have the kind of Eastern rites. Um but and then technically so Christian is you know, everybody who believes in God, who believes in Jesus Christ is Christian. So Catholics are Christians.
SPEAKER_06Correct.
SPEAKER_01Um but then you have the Protestants, so like Martin Luther in the year 15, whatever I forget, whenever Martin Luther was did his own. Was he like uh prophet or something? No, he just disagreed with things in the church. Okay. And so then he went and made his own religion.
SPEAKER_06Okay.
SPEAKER_01Uh but for hundreds and hundreds of years the only the only religion was Catholicism. So like Catholicism wasn't even like I'm Catholic, it was just you're Christian. That was it was only one thing, you know. Um, for hundreds and hundreds of years, and then Martin Luther came around and and um started the Lutherans. And then from there, all these little sects came off of came off of that, and that's considered Protestant. So you have within Christianity, you have the Protestants and you have Catholics. Okay. Um so but anyways, yeah, so so martyrs are are those that have given their life, their physical life, like have died for their belief in Christ. Um and it's just when you see when you see the love of your life die for you, you just want to do it for them. Yeah. You know, you want, you wish that that was you.
SPEAKER_04And this is this is this dates back to the Bible as far as like um like uh Jesus' brother James or um, yeah, like all the all of the uh all of them, all the apostles died, yeah were martyrs. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um they died because they didn't uh like they didn't give up their faith whenever they were told to. So yeah, it was either say you renounce Jesus Christ or die, and they said, Well, I'm not doing that, so kill me, you know.
SPEAKER_04Um was it all around the same time or was it just throughout their life? Like I guess the Romans are pretty brutal, right?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, like yeah, um most of them, I mean, most of them went to all different parts of the world to go spread the gospel and stuff, and then they all died in their different different areas of the world.
SPEAKER_04But insane.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_04Um, what was uh I guess your typical schedule every day?
SPEAKER_01Uh so we would wake up at um we wake up at 3 45. Yeah, and then we had five minutes to get ready, which was really yeah, it putting on your habit and everything, like that was that was really hard. Most of the time I would just sleep.
SPEAKER_04My habit because are those clothes made there?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so we actually um we're self-sustained and so we mother even said we're not buying any more material. So we had sheep and we would shear them and spin the wool, we would do everything. Um so yeah, um but yeah, we would um we we started doing that. We weren't doing that right off the bat, obviously. It took it took a while for us to get there, but um but yeah, like and and then the stuff the material that wasn't we didn't make we the sisters made the they they made everything.
SPEAKER_04Um yeah so start interrupting you were at 3 30.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, okay. So um 3 30, um and then five minutes we rush to the chapel and start prayer. Um and so the church has this thing called uh liturgy of the hours. And so basically this is a tradition that that has a prayer that has been it's been happening since um since even before Christ, they what they would do is they would go to the temple and they would chant the psalms, and so there was always somebody somebody in the world was chanting the psalms. And so um this continued and continued, and this has always been a thing. Um so really like whenever you, whenever religious now or um people, anybody can do it, um, they start praying. It's called the the divine office. Whenever you when you pray the Psalms, you're entering sort of like into this, um, not sort of, you're entering into this prayer that has been happening since before Christ. Um and it's um it's really uh it's very powerful. Um it's it saves souls. It's a it's a very beautiful, beautiful form of prayer. So, anyways, um we we did that throughout the day. It's um divided into sections. So, and this is one reason too, so uh that it's being prayed everywhere throughout the day and in th in the world. Um But anyways, so wake up at 4 30, go to the chapel, do um the divine office, mental prayer, divine office, uh, go to mass, and then more divine office, and then we would um go to work, which there was a lot of work because we didn't have any electricity or running water. So there's a lot to be done to survive, basically. Um so we would do work and then usually it was time for dinner. Um and then we didn't we never really ate breakfast just because there wasn't time. Uh if there was it was a special feast day, uh then we would like a special day in the the liturgical, the church's calendar. Um like a special saints day or something, but we would have breakfast or um eat nicer and things like that. Um so, anyways, we'd do that and then we would have recreation. So we don't talk throughout the whole entire day, except for during recreation time. So we we had two hours of recreation during the day where we would talk, um, which is very important. Um and but usually during that time we were also working because there was just so much to get done. So we would do that, and then we would take an hour siesta. Um, and then after that we had more office, and then we would pray more, and then we would work more, and then we would eat more, and then we would pray more, and then we would go to um our next recreation, and then we would pray more, and then we would go to sleep. And by that time it was probably about eleven o'clock.
SPEAKER_04At night. What was your recreate uh recreation like? What kind of activities do you do there?
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm. So um most of the time because there was so much work to be done, we were doing work. If that was like splitting wood or working out in the field, because we we had many gardens and stuff, and we had forest and we were um always doing things in the woods and um working with animals. We have we had a lot of different animals. Um or just mending clothes, um, or um I mean there was so much like food prepping to do for because canning and things like that. Um so a lot of times we would do that. But then also, um, since we didn't have like well, since we didn't have electricity or other forms of ways I don't know, we we had to entertain ourselves. Yeah. Our entertainment was each other. So um because of this, we would prepare like skits for each other, or it was it was actually like we the sisters are so funny. Um it it it really it forced you to be so creative. Um I didn't realize the creativity that I had within me um because I didn't have other things to to entertain me, you know. Um and so we would we would actually do like full-on plays and stuff sometimes. Um and then um we would play music a lot. Uh the sisters are so talented, so talented. Oh my goodness. And that's why I was saying I I picked up guitar because I was so desperate for some music. Yeah. So um I you're over there playing them uh Parker McCullum. Yeah. So yeah, some turnpike and stuff. Um I so yeah, I learned how to play the guitar. I wrote quite a I wrote a lot of songs. Um and then we would do this thing where we would we would call it carmelizing songs. So so that songs that weren't very or songs that were pretty kind of worldly and stuff, we would just change the words to it and keep the tunes. So I did that to a lot of songs. Um no, yeah, yeah, change change the words and keep the tunes.
SPEAKER_04Like uh like a turnpike song. Yeah. And then you put like a faith lyrics in there. Yeah. Okay.
SPEAKER_01So like uh let me see. Uh the I know I I definitely caramelized. I Carmeliz a lot of turnpike songs, actually. Uh I mean, it's up to you. Okay, so we so we uh for example, we um we were building our monastery, like the sisters were built, we were laying brick, and so we were we learned a lot of we learned masonry and all that. Um and we're because we're building the monastery like it they like it would have been built in the 1500s. So um we laid a lot of brick. And so one day while we were laying brick, I caramelized um long hot summer day. So I was like, um pick up some of this fill brick, Lord. Soon as I find where they lay, tie off this tackra sand, leave them lines on a long hot summer day. And so, anyways, I caramelized the whole entire song. The whole scene yeah, and it's all about laying brick. Wow.
SPEAKER_04Oh, so create so you you I mean, I could just tell like the creativity was just was just natural. I guess it was uh it was bound to happen with not having nothing to do. Yeah. Um, so I know you've mentioned the power of silence before. What is the power of silence and what how does that help you?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Um, so um, like I said a while ago, I don't know if we were on mic or not, but like prayer, I mean, um silence is God's first language, and so you can hear him so much more in the silence. Um, and of course you can read scripture, and of course, scripture's I mean, that's like one of the best ways to to realize what our Lord's saying as well. Um, but outside of scripture, I would definitely say silence. Um and it's like in the silence, you're able to hear the the world that is around us. I mean the world so it's like the spiritual world is so much more real in a sense than this physical world that we're living in that's so temporary and um it just it it fades away. But the the spiritual world is it's eternal. Um and so, anyways, um yeah, and it it's very it's very difficult to practice silence, especially when you're not a very silent person, and it's like your mind is it's like you can be physically silent, but then your mind is not. So it takes a while for your mind to kind of regurgitate everything to do. It hurts it. It hurts your brain when you're trying to be silent and not think of it. It does, it does, and it just gets worse and worse and worse until it starts to get better.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, so when I meditate at myself, like I've been meditating for probably about the same time you've been gone. Um, at the time when the last time I saw you, I was actually going through a I didn't even know it. I was going through depression. But you know, if you wake up every day and you're kind of like, uh like this, I don't know why, what am what am I doing? You know, like I have no energy, motivation, purpose, you're not excited about anything anymore. Um took a long time because I was reaching, reaching, reaching to get my old self back. Like, I gotta be my old self. But throughout these last few years, the biggest um help has been just really silence and having less of everything. I downsized on everything, I threw out so much stuff. I think I was just way too cluttered in my life and and had an overabundance of everything, yeah. And have um been able to, so to speak, live the life I dreamed of living, you know, have my own house, family. But man, when that soul is missing something, there ain't nothing there ain't nothing worse in this world than having a lost soul, you know, and I had a lost soul. So the biggest um this is our bartender right here is my daughter Gabby. She's been missing three minutes. Thank you, baby. Here you want the thanks, but uh but yeah, and that's why I I talked to you, I'm asking you about silence. I'm so intrigued at the silent time you have to pray or just to to clear the mind. And we talk about it with the the cell phones, you know, you're constantly getting notifications all day, every day. You're constantly concerned about getting the right angle or the right picture or the right post. Yeah, it is numbing.
SPEAKER_01It's so much about ourselves, like the world is so so strong on on forcing us to think that everything is just about us. It's like we're it's like we're not even living our lives anymore. Exactly. It's like we're constantly living our lives for somebody else's opinion.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Or I mean it's just it's crazy. That's one of the reasons I don't want to get social media back, is because I know it's like I'm posting and I I want this, I want this to be attractive. I want this to be cool. I want this to look cool.
SPEAKER_04I you have cool fishing pics. Yeah, I know, I know.
SPEAKER_01And sometimes I take picks and I'm like, dang, I'm gonna love some other picks.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But no, I'm just too prideful for that. Like, I don't, I'm not, I am not humble enough to just I don't know. I I think too much about what people think of me.
SPEAKER_04Um, just a little bit fragile mentally, I guess. But I wouldn't say fragile, I would say just more um I know where I I know where I'm best at. And it's not on that. Yeah, it's not anything. I know I'm not a good person when I'm trying to show off.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04I know I'm not a good person when I'm trying to flaunt and and have uh a vice, you know. I'm just not a good person.
SPEAKER_01And that's one of the things that was so hard for me because I feel like for so long uh when I entered Carmel, because I feel like for so long, I it's like I not even just like social media is a part of it, but not totally. But it's like I made my own image. It's like I wanted to be this person. I had this person in my mind of who I wanted to be, and so that's the person that I was gonna try and make myself look like. Um, but then when you get to Carmel, it's like you get torn down. Yeah, everything, it's just you you lose it, you lose even you give up your identity, you give up everything. And for me to just be like, I am just this little worm of a human being.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_01And it's like you we, I don't know, and and the world is constantly telling us, you know, like we have to be somebody, we have to be we have to be whatever we think, I don't know. Um but yeah, it's like in reality though, it's like who God wants us to be is the best version of ourselves. But in order to get to that, it's like we have to strip all of this stuff off of us. All these all of these things, like I had so many attachments that I would was not even aware of. It's like attachments um of who I wanted myself to be. Like make creating my own identity right that wasn't even real. Like it was it wasn't even real. Like, but I thought it was. I thought it was just like, yeah, this is who I am.
SPEAKER_04But because that's the environment, the the environment you grew up in, you know. Not not your parents, but I'm just saying like your social environment, yeah, your world. Yeah, um, if you grow up seeing the world in a certain lens, I mean you're probably gonna be thinking that growing up.
SPEAKER_01And then it cultivates so much pride within you, and it's like it's like everybody thinks there's somebody that yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, so um, what did your parents say about this whole thing?
SPEAKER_00We both laughed. Um they had a very difficult time.
SPEAKER_01Um, very, very, very difficult time, which I think is natural, but I think my parents also had just a very some difficult time. I think everybody, everybody did. I did. Um, everybody. It was it was very, very interesting the way that our Lord um arranged things um for me to affect so many people and to um it was like because it really, really did feel like I was dying. And I tried not to tell my parents that too much because I knew they were already taking it really, really hard. Because it really was like, I mean, it was like like that's what I mean, that's what I was signing up for, you know. I knew what I was signing up for. I knew I was signing up for I wanted to lay my life down in the most real way that I possibly could for the one that I love the most because that's what he did for me. And I just like I wanted it, you know. Um, but I also knew what it what it meant. And so um, and I knew that I mean, when my parents died, I couldn't even go to their funeral, you know. I we don't have and not not all caramels are like this, but the one I joined was like it was the most. I'm gonna just go it was it was pretty intense. It was like the probably like the most intense caramel in probably the world.
SPEAKER_06Wow.
SPEAKER_01Um and and I knew that. I mean, it's not like I could just call home either. I could write them once a month for in and I could write one page.
SPEAKER_04Um you didn't have a cell phone. No, no phone. Or no house landline or anything. No, no, no. How about TV?
SPEAKER_01No, no, no. No electricity.
SPEAKER_04TV, no electricity.
SPEAKER_01No electricity, no.
SPEAKER_04You you said did you read the paper or anything?
SPEAKER_01Um, every once in a while we would they would read kind of articles to us, but most of the time it's like we're so detached from the world, like so not I had no idea really what was going on. Um for most of the time, except for people would send prayer requests. So we would get sometimes we would get prayer requests, but we wouldn't get the full details and stuff just because it wasn't our job. It wasn't our job to know what was going on. It wasn't our job to to um to think deeply about the logistics or politics or things behind whatever was going on. It was just our job was to fight for souls and to sacrifice and pray.
SPEAKER_04So when you're praying, you say you're saving souls, so is there anyone in particular, or you're praying for people that just sin in general, or I mean how how does this grow?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I mean, really, I really it's the whole world. Yeah that which sounds kind of cliche and impossible, but that's really what you're doing. But I would say, um, especially for for priests and missionaries, um, but also I feel like a lot of sisters had different devotions to different or different kinds of people on their hearts, different types of people on their hearts. Like for some reason I really, really, really love prisoners.
SPEAKER_06Okay.
SPEAKER_01Um so like I have Okay Like No, I get what you're saying. I get I'm just kidding. I would very often offer up things for people in prison and like people in um in jail and stuff, because I just had this um, I don't know, I had this special love for them that I just wanted to to help them and save them, save their soul, help, help, yeah, help help in whatever way that I could to get them to heaven.
SPEAKER_04Um so can prisoners have their soul saved? Oh yeah. If they committed a murder.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you can commit whatever crime. Our Lord's I mean, i if you repent and ask for our Lord's forgiveness and are and are serious about it, you know. Yeah, our Lord is so merciful, He's so just, and I love justice so much. And that's what honestly what drive drove me a lot whenever I was like, whenever because love, I mean, love isn't a feeling, love is a choice, you know. So it's like when I'm choosing to love our Lord, sometimes I don't feel anything, but I'm gonna do it anyways because I'm choosing to. But a lot of times it was like when you're really, really, really not feeling the love and you're just really um I don't know, sometimes it's sometimes it's hard to choose the right thing, you know. Um, but then I think about who am I fighting and who am I crushing by doing the right thing? And I'm I'm fighting the devil. And even though I don't feel like loving right now, I kind of feel like fighting. So I'm gonna do my thing. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, crush the evil. And that's that's what I want to do. So even even if you go a different route, it's kind of gets you to the same the same spot, you know what I mean? Um so um yeah.
SPEAKER_04That was that was good. We're we're in the we're we're we're in the season of Easter. Uh still, right? Okay, we're still in the season of Easter. So uh me uh I mean I know some of the the listeners they they could probably you know call me out on this. I I didn't grow up a practicing Catholic, right? So I recently found uh you know what where I feel safe and where I feel loved, and that's at the Catholic Church and uh the cost. Um I love Father Leo. Shout out to Father Leo, he's probably not listening, but but just just in general, like it's it's of course it's not about the church, and it is a beautiful church, but uh I do just I just enjoy reading the Bible. I I love the um the history behind it, but then again, I do love the message behind you know each chapter that I read. Uh are they called chapters? Okay, yeah. So um my my question to you is do you find did you ever and do you sometimes find it hard to believe that Jesus resurrected from the dead?
SPEAKER_01Um Do I find it hard to believe? No, I don't maybe I did in the past, maybe anything.
SPEAKER_04Um because you and I we talked about this before, like we'll fall in this YouTube rabbit hole. Yeah. Like we're like, okay, so how did this how cold is Antarctica in the summertime? Like that's kind of the random stuff I'll put. But yeah, speaking of in in particular, Jesus resurrection, um, I think that's kind of the most criticized um part of the story or his his life and afterlife as as any religion has ever faced. And and there's been times when when I'm talking, you know, around a group of uh buddies and we're having a beer, and it's like that always comes up like, but how was he crucified? Like, how was he uh how did he resurrect? Direct from the dead, and it's like I don't have an answer. It's just like a a mystery, like a magic thing. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I mean, Jesus Christ himself is a mystery. Like for God to for God, God, like the creator, God of the universe, to make himself into a little baby is just insane. It'd be like a human. It it wouldn't even compare to this, but it'd be kind of like a human making himself into a little bunny.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Because he loved the bunny so much. Like it's like and this this bunny being so frail and so weak and so open to I mean, you're throwing this bunny out into the wild. Like, and but that's I don't it it's just it's just crazy. Like our our little minds cannot comprehend how crazy this actually is. Is it's just insane. Um so no, I think I think if you can believe that, then you can believe the resurrection. If you can believe the the you can believe the resurrection, then you can believe our Lord being truly present in the Eucharist at Mass. Like and so I think and there's so many things that just build on each other, like like why.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it's a perfect story, honestly. It really is a perfect, it's the best story ever. Um when we think about when we think about Jesus, you know, we I also I also think about you know the fact that he actually lived in human form. Like he was no superhero, he was no alien. Yeah, like he lived in human form, he walked with people just like you and I. Now he then becomes a god, or he is a god. So I I feel like you know, in my journey, in in my journey learning more and more, I I'm just trying to like kind of wrap my head around the whole story still. Yeah. Um and I think eventually it's gonna lead me to great things. Like you said, it's a choice to pray to God, it's a choice to love God, and I'm working on that for sure every every time I pray, because there's times when it I don't feel it either feel it either. Um, but uh but I know there are a lot of things that have that have happened just randomly, and I'm like, I prayed for that, and it it's and it's sometimes a door shut or it's the opposite of what I prayed for, but the opposite was better. Now those are crazy, and yeah, anybody hearing this and listening to this cannot lie. That has happened to everybody. How were you like you pray for something so bad, and then like something uh totally opposite happens, and you're like, This is better than what I prayed for. Yeah, when yeah, that's nuts.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, oh yeah, no, all the time, literally all the time. It's like I think you think you have we have this little bitty mind, this little bitty human mind, and we think that um, yeah, we know what's best and we know everything, but then our God sees everything from you know from this perspective where he can see the whole layout. So he knows one of the sisters has this really good story of um she she was a r she was a really good dancer. She is a really good dancer. Um she was on that show River Dance, the Irish dancing. She's really good. Nice. Yeah, and so but she also likes swing dancing and like all this other types of dancing. So, anyways, she had this dream that she was uh swing dancing with um well so she was she was at this dance and she saw this man dancing and it was like the best dance that she had ever the best dancer she'd ever seen in her life. And she really wanted to dance with him, but she was really scared to dance with him uh because she didn't think she was good enough. And then this guy comes up, the good dancer, and asks her to dance. And so she was like, Okay, I'll dance. So she's nervous, but she goes up there and she dances, and then she's dancing, and she said it was like the best dance that she has ever danced in her entire life. Like she is it was so surreal, it was like she had never experienced anything like this. But then she got distracted and she started messing up. Well, for every mess up that she had, the guy that she was dancing with turned her mess up into a new move. And it was like a even better move than it what the uh other what it was gonna be. It was like and so it's kind of like she she realized that like our mistakes, God turns into something that's even better than what we could have imagined. And that's not even just that's not even just the what we you know something that we had planned in. That's our mistakes, you know what I mean? So yeah.
SPEAKER_04So um we have people listening right now, of course. I'm sure there's gonna be some people that are in the same boat that I'm in, uh or maybe maybe even not even close to believing in Jesus. So um people have asked like before, like, how do you even pray? Like, what do you say? How do you even start praying? You're like you're like a professional prayer now. You pray every day, you're a professional. So how do you how do you get that response back from God?
SPEAKER_01Right. So um you just you just talk to him. Like it's really it's not it's not rocket science, it's nothing super complicated. You just honestly, it's usually best if you find against a quiet space, just because it's easier to focus. Um, and you just talk to him like you're talking to a friend. Um, but again, it's like if you're talking to a friend and you're just like, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, the whole conversation, and you don't hear anything that they have to say, and you're just talking and they say, Okay, but I gotta go, then is that really a conversation? No. And that's where the silence comes in.
SPEAKER_04Ooh, I never heard that before. That's good. That's good. Keep going, I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_01And so you wanna leave room for there to be an actual conversation. Like you don't want it to be just in one way, this is what happened, this is what I want. So blah blah blah blah blah. You know what I mean? Um, you want there to be a dialogue, and this is where, again, you want to start building the silence, but it's gonna be very, very difficult because there's it's not gonna be silent for a long time because your mind is not gonna be silent. But you can make your way, okay. I'm gonna do two minutes of silence a day, I'm gonna do five minutes of silence, I'm gonna do ten minutes, I'm gonna do fifteen, and you work your way up to an hour, and it's gonna take some time, and it's gonna it's gonna be really hard, but it's it you'll see that it's it'll be really good. And then of course, just praying with the scriptures. We do this thing called Lexio Divina, where you could just get a piece of scripture. It doesn't matter what scripture, um, but I don't know, it could be good to like start with the gospels or something, and you just take a bit of it and you just read it and then have a little bit of silence. Maybe think about what what was said, think about what what's happening in the scripture, okay, then read it again, take some time. What really stood out to me? What is there something in this is there a certain word, or is there a certain phrase, or is there something that really stood out to me, and then pray with that, and then read it again and say, okay, now how do I apply this to my own life? Um, but there's so many, like there's there's a lot of different ways to pray. Um but it could be like again, it's just it could be as easy as just saying, Lord, I love you, or God, I don't know you and I want to, so let's try and get to know each other, like you know, and I like that. Um yeah, so and then another thing though that's really important to remember is that it's not about your feelings. The whole world is telling us that everything is about how we feel. It's not, and I don't mean to quote Ben Shapiro, but facts don't care about your feelings. Like that like they really don't. I mean, what's true is true, and so um going back to the whole Catholic thing, it's like there can only be one truth, right? So there can't be if something is true, then if something contradicts the truth, then it's not true, you know. So um like a stop sign or a right can't mean left. Like right is right, you know what I mean? Um so it's like sometimes we don't feel the things, we don't feel um the way that the band at this one church just really like gets my feelings into it, yeah. And and it feels good. Like, yeah, sure, it feels good.
SPEAKER_03Are you quoting me? Did I say that to you? I think I did say that to you.
SPEAKER_01You might you might have, but it's not about yeah, it's not about how you feel, it's about what is true, right? And so as Catholics, we believe that the holy sacrifice, the mass, like what is happening on the altar is literally Jesus being crucified on that altar over and over again. Yeah, it is now modern Catholicism has made things very, very lukewarm, and unfortunately, um w what we see is not what our ancestors and everybody else has been fed. We are receiving a very, very lukewarm or very watered down version of what Catholicism really is. Like if you just go into the nor average church.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I mean y I mean we have uh I guess I won't say it, but yeah, I know what you mean. So so yeah, it's I mean, for example, like what is it? Like uh sex before you're married or something like that, or um what's the other one?
SPEAKER_01Um contraceptives or like are you talking about like traditional traditional church teaching?
SPEAKER_04Marriage, like living together and not being married. Cohabitation, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I had a lot of criticism for that back in my day.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04But I mean I wasn't deep into the faith like I am now. I think it'd be much different now if if I somebody told me that.
SPEAKER_01Well there's so many things that we're not even we're not even taught, or we're not even shown the importance of, or we're told not to do something, but we're not told why. We're not told why it's actually good for you to do the good thing, you know. Um so um, so again, most of the time we just side on whatever we feel whatever makes us happy, whatever makes us feel good. So we just do that.
SPEAKER_04But um, but yeah, anyways, it's just like Did you get to drink alcohol in in the monastery? What did you drink?
SPEAKER_01We drank a lot of wine.
SPEAKER_04Nice.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we did drink a lot of wine.
SPEAKER_04I brought it that's where you're that's where the sister got the story about the guy with the with the dance moves and stuff. How was the wine? I bet you it was nice and fresh.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it was it was good. We were we were in the process of starting to make our own, but we had this um this man who was helping us with our orchard. Um, because we had we had a pretty big orchard going on, but he was he was such a good little old man. He was still nice. Oh my gosh. Um he helped us so much. His name was Mr. Reed, but anyways, he had his own he had his own orchard, very big orchard, and his own winery and all this. So he would give us lots of wine. So we had a lot of wine. Um, but um we I actually took my moonshine still up there. So but right when I left, we were starting to make matches for it and stuff. So I hope they have it figured out.
SPEAKER_05But why'd you come back?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so I came back because mother told me to come back. Um Mother Your Short, short, long story short. Mother, my superior, my mother superior, yes. Um, my priorist was what you call it. Um she so basically I I mean I was I was all in. I was um I mean, I was I was doing the thing and um one day mother just called me. This was about two months ago. Mother called me into the room and said, This is not your vocation, you need to go home. And I was like, what? And um the way the way that like the monastery is is and is ran. It's very um you drank too much wine. I didn't actually. I was I was very good when it came to that. But maybe not other things, but um poor my poor novice mistress. She had she had a lot of patience with me. But um, but no, that's actually not why I left. Um no, so like things are very medieval. Like the way we do things, it's just it's like you're in a different, we're in a different world, you know. And so even like the way you talk to mother, it it would be kind of like our especially for our little American minds, we can't really understand the concept of like what what it what it is and what it's like. And it sounds super degrading, but it's actually it's very very humbling, it's very good for you. But like the way we would talk to mother is like we would get on our knees to talk to mother, like you, um, and we would say, Your reverence, you know. So like arguing or yelling with mother, like you don't do that. Um, but of course, mother is so good, and so you could you could tell her whatever you wanted, and she was going to like receive it very well. But anyways, I was like, um, I said, Mother, I don't believe anything your reverence is saying right now. I said, I trust you way more than I trust myself, but I don't believe anything that is coming out of your reverence's mouth. Um, and she was like, I she said, I really, really like you, and I would not be telling you this if I was not a hundred percent sure that this is what God wanted for you. And um I said, I just kept saying I was like, I just I don't understand. Um like you have told me many times that you are a hundred percent sure of my vocation. And she said, I was a hundred percent sure, and now I'm a hundred percent sure that your vocation is over, and I have until the rest of my life to complete mine, and you have the next few days to complete yours. And um, yeah, and basically like, oh well, I I just kept arguing and she was like, You need to you need to stop, you need to go pray. So then I went to go pray, and then it hit me, and I was like, Oh my gosh, this is really like this is really happening. This is really, really, this is actually happening. And yeah, she was, I mean, basically it was like God sent me there um to transform my heart in a way that he wanted to transform it. And um I would have not been all in. I don't think I would have been all in if everybody else wasn't all in. If mother wasn't like, yeah, this is this is for you. I think I would have had because I was so it was so difficult for me at the beginning, I would have had this thought in the back of my mind, well, maybe this isn't for me. So I I would have kind of like one foot in, one foot out sort of deal. But I think in order for me to be to tr to really truly be transformed to the what our how our Lord wanted me to be transformed, I needed to be all in. And for me to be all in, I needed I needed that.
SPEAKER_04So I know you've explained, you know, why you think she ended the uh time over there, but I guess what were you suspecting at first? That you me that you messed up or Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I was like, um I said, I said, Oh I feel I feel like a failure. Like I feel like maybe, maybe it was just that I was not going to uphold the rule like I should. And so, and God knew this, so he was like, it's better that you just leave instead of not, you know, because like religious are held to like a much higher standard in the eyes of God than the regular man, because we don't have all these distractions. We don't have um, like you are put in the most perfect in fertile soil to grow in. So you are going to be expect there's a lot that is gonna be expected of you. You know, you are going to be you are expected to bloom very well. Um and so I was just thinking, like, maybe I'm just not cut for it, or maybe I'm not, and then mother just kept telling me like this.
SPEAKER_04You kind of feeling like disappointed in yourself.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. And mother kept assuring me that these were all lies from the devil and that she was for certain that um that this is what this is just it was God's plan the whole entire time for me to go, for me to have that time there, and for me to come back into the world. And to now I have this kind of fertile soil that I have under my feet to where I can really grow on in the world.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I mean you built uh an amazing foundation, I'm sure, a great foundation, and you could spread your the word, you know, and spread it in a way that you were taught there the traditional way. So tell us about uh because I forgot to mention you are a bar owner as well. So that's how I first started to to get to know you is being a bar owner, go figure, right in me know a bar owner, but but you um you are a bar owner and you were also teaching theology at your bar, so it's called theology on tap.
SPEAKER_06Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_04Alright, so tell our listeners here what theology on tap is and and uh when can they go check you out?
SPEAKER_01Sure. So I'm not teaching theology, but I have other smart people come and teach theology. I have given a few talks, so but it just it wasn't like super intellectual things, it was just me just kind of sharing my story. And people have a lot of questions, and so I think it's a good thing that I answer people's questions. So that's really basically what I was what I was doing when I was talking at mine. But um basically I'll have a speaker come in and give some theological, philosophical talk, and then um people can just ask questions about it. Um and um yeah, and then afterwards the bars just kind of open as normal, and and um I've noticed just really good community come out of it because it's like at the beginning of the night there's a like there's a very fruitful conversation that happens, you know. So there's like it's people are talking about good and interesting things that really make people talk and think. Um and like the the conversations are just pretty meaningful, which is really really cool to see. So that's that's been nice.
SPEAKER_04Um yeah, so you can go check out Haley Hughes at Baby Huey's saloon or bar or what Yeah, bar. Baby Huey's Bar in Lytle, Texas on May the uh May the 1st.
SPEAKER_01We're having uh Theology on Tap. Yeah, that's our next one.
SPEAKER_04Theology on Tap. So I highly recommend you go. I'll be there. And I think that it'll be if you're if you're interested in um Is it is it is it like history?
SPEAKER_01Um sometimes it's kind of like there's history involved, but uh is it more like things like theological things or sort of uh things that either make you think or just like or go into sort of a more philosophical sort of fear.
SPEAKER_04Um Hey Siri, what does uh theology mean? No. But but you um you have came here and you have conquered, you have answered all the questions I had for you. And uh I I don't have any doubts that you're in you were in great hands. I think that was my biggest concern, like just to be honest with you, just being totally honest, like I was like, man, is is this like a cult or a camp? You've gotten it all, I'm sure you've heard it all.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I know I have heard it, I have heard it all.
SPEAKER_04Um so that was my concern. I was truly concerned about you and even how you might have been when you return. Um, but I I tr not just the fact that I've heard you say it, but I can feel it that you're in a good good place. I feel like you know, you probably are in a much better place than me spiritually and mentally and everything else. Um and I think that you being able to share this experience with us has been amazing to hear firsthand, like wow, like I know what I are you still a nun?
SPEAKER_01No, no, okay, I am not a nun anymore.
SPEAKER_04I know somebody that used to be a nun.
SPEAKER_01Used to be a nun.
SPEAKER_04So what are you doing now? What's next for Haley?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, um, I don't know. Um I I mean, vocation wise, it's pretty clear that God wants me to get married and marry like a human man, which is a tough pill to swallow when you were about to marry Jesus Christ himself. Right. You know? Uh So there's that. Um and then um yeah, I d I don't know. I don't know. I'm currently uh just kind of opening the bar here and there, doing some jobs here and there. Um I've been caretaking for an elderly lady who is just the sweetest thing ever. And I I enjoy that very much. Um, but you have experience with caretaking, right? Um, I mean not serious experience. Like I mean, I've like taken care of like my grandma and stuff, or there was some six sisters in Carmel.
SPEAKER_04What about drunks you had to walk out of the bar? Yeah, that's that I feel like that running the bar was kind of like equivalent to like pre-K experience of like sometimes it's like I remember I remember one time pretty vividly, like I was we were we were packing up and everything, and there was a guy that like he he just he had the hots for you, like he wanted to talk to you and he wanted your attention. And I told my daughter Gabby, I want you to handle drunk guys like this, like you just totally like handled it like in a very um ladylike way, like you were oh yeah, like you were talking to him and stuff, but he was like trying and trying to to talk to you like as far as like that way, and you were just kind of like shunning him off in a in a polite way, and I was like, Man, that takes a skill, that takes years of experience to do that. He was like, he's like, hey, hey, what are you doing after this? And you're just smiling, like just laughing and like just joking around with them. And man, that's pretty good. You didn't get nervous or nothing, you just were like, No, I mean when you have when you run a bar almost every weekend, you get you learn how to you know, you learn how to like talk and and adapt to that. So um, but but I'm so glad uh you came on the show here, the Beat Of My Drum Podcast. It's it's been a long time since I've had an episode, and uh I'll make sure that I do this episode justice. I'll edit it and all that stuff. Um, but but we'll um was there anything else you you wanted to say?
SPEAKER_01Um I mean I don't think so. Just um yeah, maybe um never tell God no. If you think God's telling you to do something and it sounds sounds pretty crazy to you, I mean you are never you will you will not be sorry telling him no, even if it's very painful at first. Um just do the thing. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Well, I appreciate that. And uh thanks for the brews.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, they're pretty good, right?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, they're actually really good.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Bartender. No, uh, thank you so much, and I'll be checking I'll be signing off. Um, once again, my name is DJ. Let me fix that. Once again, my name is Jay Mendez here on the Beat of My Drum podcast. We'll talk to y'all next time. Be safe and always march to the beat of your own drum.
SPEAKER_02The beat of my drum entertainment.